A Brief Description of MTU and Michigan's
UP
- A view of Houghton from Hancock
MTU is a small technical college located in the Keewenaw Penninsula
attached at the western end of Michigan's Upper Penninsula. In other words,
it's way out in the middle of nowhere. In fact, for a while there was a
mileage road sign located 4 miles south of MTU that proclaimed:
and that's not far from the truth!
Houghton is a very small town that exists to support
MTU. Well, originally it was a mining town. Now it's a small college town.
When I was there, we had two fast food restaurants - A Burger King and
a "Taco John's" (It was owned by an oriental man named Wang, so everyone
called it "Taco Wang's") Needless to say, there wasn't a whole lot to do
there. In the winter time, Houghton get's 300" of snow - enough so that
the locals have porches on their second stories - not 'cause they're stupid;
'Cause they use 'em in the winter time as their front door!
When I was there, the ratio of men to women was
8:1. So, unless you ski or snowshoe, about all you can do during the wintertime
is drink heaviliy. In fact, one student calculated that MTU consumes more
alcohol in a year than Miliwaukee produces. Still, it's pretty, and one
of the best technical schools in the country. The students take a perverse
pride in how difficult the school is - If you've ever seen Real
Genius starring Val Kilmer, that could've been filmed at MTU - and
the high suicide rate. Most people simply can't hack it there.
A song that was written about Tech had several notable
lines in it - it was a favorite of the students until it ws banned by the
faculty:
"Like a fool, I enrolled at the school..God I wish
I had died!"
"MTU, it'll screw up your brain...MTU it'll drive
you insane...MTU, you've been sent up the creek, MTU, the farmers lock
up their sheep!" (They really do!)
However, there are advantages...For instance, at
most schools, students compete for interviews with companies. At MTU, Companies
compete for slots with students. Interviewers will hold meetings with students
even when they're not hiring, just so the can keep their slot for next
year!
MTU Graduation Exam
A secret kept from incoming freshmen at MTU is that in order to receive
your diploma and graduate, you must pass one all-ecompassing Final Exam.
This test was concieved during the reign of Dean Meese and brought to fruition
in a scene right out of MacBeth - The MTU Board of Control huddled over
a boiling cauldron of failed students chanting while they composed the
questions..... The idea behind this test was to ensure that only the BEST
students - the finest engineers and the most well rounded people were graduated
from MTU. Of course, the vast majority failed - with predictably horrible
results. At great risk, my cohorts from the La Maison Maggots staged a
daring commando raid on the Administration Building and stole a copy of
this year's exam....
INSTRUCTIONS: Read each question carefully. Answer all questions. Time
Limit: 2 hours. Begin immediately.
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HISTORY: Describe the history of the Papacy from its origin to the present
day, concentrating especially, but not exclusively, on its social, political,
economic, and philosophical impact on Europe, Asia, America, and Africa.
Be brief, concise, and specific.
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MEDICINE: You have been provided with a razor blade, a piece of gauze,
and a bottle of scotch. Remove your appendix. Do not suture until your
work has been inspected. You have fifteen minutes.
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PUBLIC SPEAKING: 2500 riot-crazed aboriginies are storming the classroom.
Calm them. You may use any ancient language except Latin or Greek.
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BIOLOGY: Create life. Estimate the differences in subsequent human culture
if this form of life had developet 500 million years earlier, with special
attention to it's probable effect on the English Parliamentary System.
Prove your thesis.
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MUSIC: Write a piano concerto. Orchestrate and perform it with flute
and drum. You will find a piano under your seat.
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PHSYCHOLOGY: Based on your knowledge of their works, evaluate the emotional
stability, degree of adjustment, and repressed frustrations of each of
the following: Alexander of Aphrodesis, Rameses II, Hammuarabi. Support
your evaluation with quotations from each man's work, making appropriate
references. It is not necessary to translate.
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SOCIOLOGY: Estimate the sociological problems with might accompany the
end of the world. Construct an experiment to test your theory.
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ENGINEERING: The disassembled parts of a high powered rifle have been
placed on your desk. You will also find an instruction manual, printed
in Swahili. In 10 minutes, a hungry Bengal tiger will be admitted to the
room. Take whatever action you feel necessary. Be prepared to justify your
decision.
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ECONOMICS: Develop a realistic plan for refinancing the national debt.
Trace the possible effects of your plan in the following areas: Cubism,
the Donatist Controversy, and the Wave Theory of Light. Outline a method
for preventing these effects. Criticize this method from all possible points
of view. Point out the deficiencies in your point of view, as demonstrated
in your answer to the last question.
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POLITICAL SCIENCE: There is a red telephone on the desk beside you.
Start World War III. Report at length on its socio-political effects, if
any.
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EPISTEMOLOGY: Take a position for or against truth. Prove the validity
of your stand.
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PHYSICS: Explain the nature of matter. Include in your answer an evaluation
of the impact of the development of mathematics in science.
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PHILOSOPHY: Sketch the development of human thought. Estimate its signifigance.
Compare with the development of any other kind of thought.
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GENERAL KNOWLEDGE: Describe in detail. Be objective and specific.
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